I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
