I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
