Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
