my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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