if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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