Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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