he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
