I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
