I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
