God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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