I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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