I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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