Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
