I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize