I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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