omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just high enough for therapy.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
last night I used snow as a chaser
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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