i need an iv and a liver transplant
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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