she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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