At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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