girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
