Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
