I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
