She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
