I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
