did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
