I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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