worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
