Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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