you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sober January is a disaster.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Randomize
