I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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