you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
