It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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