Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
