my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
