I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
