You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
