Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
