I didn't shave. On purpose
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
