the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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