I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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