i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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