this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
