I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
