Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
