i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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