dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
