sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
