she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize