He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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