Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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