my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
