my phone needs a breathalizer
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sext me about skeletons
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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