True but thats because hes a fetus.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
