I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
