Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
