How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
