Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
