He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
