ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
