im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I met the friendliest cop last night
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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