The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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