I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
