Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
