my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
